We went to the Oxford Natural History Museum today and had a wonderful time. They even had a sensory backpack for my son who is on the autism spectrum. It made the whole experience so wonderful. Museums can be difficult because not only does he struggle with people and getting overstimulated, but also managing understimulation. The backpack contained noise-buffering headphones as well as interesting stones and toys.

So when he needed a minute, he was able to sit down and play nearby while John, my husband, and I were able to look at the artifacts. There was also an incredible staff member who recognized what my son was interested in and took him and John on a little tour of the area. It was such a wonderful time of seeing what people have done and how God has moved through the centuries. 

The Dream I was too Scared to Chase

While we had a great time, it honestly felt so surreal. The museum is on the Oxford University campus and when I was in middle school, I considered going there. Going to a prestigious school to study history or writing or journalism or law was what I thought was success. I really thought that I would go out into the world and do something incredible, writing and making a difference and the only way to do that was to go to an epic school like that.

When I got into high school, however, the idea of traveling scared me. I said I didn’t want to be that far from my family. It wasn’t because I would miss them (which I would’ve) but because I truly believed that I wouldn’t be able to succeed without them. I only thought of all of the different ways that I would fail and get it wrong. I was so scared of being seen as the dumb American that I didn’t even put myself into a position to try. So I went to a local university but didn’t even stay on campus because of how scared I was of people. I drove 45 minutes every day instead of just living there, all because I was scared.

How Fear has Directed My Life

Obviously I don’t regret my choices. If I had gone to Oxford, I would’ve never had my son nor met my husband. But the heaviest thing I see over the history of my life is fear and how it has kept me from big, incredible things. Honestly I only went to that university for a year and a half because for the first time I struggled and I didn’t want to risk failing. Fear has directed my steps my entire life.

The fear of getting hurt. Fear of getting it wrong or fear that I’ll be disliked, even hated. Scared that I’ll look stupid or that people will disagree with me. Fear that I will let everyone down and that I’ll be just as stupid as I think they think that I am.

I’m So Tired of Fear

The number of times I’ve told my son that fear doesn’t come from God but from the enemy is well within the millions and yet I’ve let fear run my life. I really thought that by taking the wheel I was winning but what I didn’t realize is that subconsciously I’ve been following Fear’s GPS. Listening to its whispers of doubt, that I’m not cut out for this and I’ll never make it to the destination so I may as well quit anyway.

And I’m over it.

Deciding to Listen Instead

So instead of being afraid, I’ve decided I’m going to do things that scare me. Actually, I can’t take the credit, God decided it. God told me (as He’s told all of us) a long time ago to trust Him, to be obedient and let Him handle things. So really, I’m just deciding to listen.

One of the things that scares me is someone thinking I’m stupid or cringy for recording myself, for wanting to be an influencer, for putting out content. So I don’t vlog in public often. I even get embarrassed getting shots of the beautiful places that we’ve been visiting. But of all of the things that I’ve survived, someone thinking I’m stupid or cringe is the least. With that understanding, it’s the easiest way to rip off the bandaid.

Ignoring the Lies

I have a magnetic phone mount that I put on the aisle across from me, recording myself type away. There are stil people on the bus and my brain loves to tell me that their whispers are all about me, that I’m so stupid and fat and shouldn’t be recording myself. “What are you trying to even accomplish?” my brain asks. “You’ve been at this for years and everyone sees you as a failure.”

Catching my breath, I have to remind myself of two very important things. One: I’m not that special. No one, especially in England, is going to know that I’ve been at this for so long. No one is going to keep me in their brain rent-free for more than 5 minutes even if they do think I’m cringe. They’re going to go about their day and forget about me. And two: I’ve never done this fearlessly. I’ve never actually shown up as if God has called me to do this. I’ve never fully surrendered to doing it the way He wanted me to. As I process that thought, it feels like God has sighed in joy, as if He is saying “yes, now I can work with this.”

What England Taught Me About Fear

That same fear, like I mentioned, has kept me from traveling. I’ve been so angry at God for giving me the love of my life and then making him live in England. What’s the point? Why make him so far away? Why did I meet him at all? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve cried myself to sleep with that exact thought.

Now I realize that, if it wasn’t for him living in England, we never would’ve traveled. I never would have packed up my child with special needs and gotten on a plane flying to another country. I never would have fought past my own anxiety of airports and security. Now that we’re here, though, I feel such peace. That urge I’ve felt all my life feels like it’s been released and that God is just getting started.

My Life has Changed

Travel is going to be a part of my life now in ways I had never thought possible. We’re saving to get my husband his visa so he can stay with us in the US. Until then, we’re going back and forth to minimize our time apart. The more wealked about it, though, the more we realized that God is leading us to a nomadic lifestyle. Outside of hockey season, we’re planning on traveling full time. So half the year we’ll be in Missouri, the other half we’ll be traveling the world.

The scariest part of that is what that will cost. This has been one of my excuses for not traveling in the past. However, I know that God’s got it. If this is what God wants for us, He’s going to provide. It doesn’t mean that we’re not going to be working hard and earning the finances to make it happen. But it does mean that the outcome itself is out of our hands. We have to trust that God is going to do what He said He’s going to do.

What Comes Next

Facing my fears is scheduled almost daily this next year. Between taking my husband and I’s clothing line to music festivals, road trips, building my sticker business, going to in-person markets with that business, traveling, working on my Master’s degree in Biblical Studies, fear is everywhere.

But as I’m on the bus, driving away from the Oxford I was too scared to go to before, I know that God is going to work it all for my good. Even if I mess up, even if I’m scared, He’s got it. That doesn’t get rid of the fear, but it does make it easier to ignore.

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