The hardest part of being in this broken world is not blaming God for it.

That’s such a rough thing to say but it’s true.

When I was young, I was groomed and then molested by the babysitter’s son. I grew up blaming God. If God was so good, where was He? If He can calm storms and split the sea, why couldn’t He save me? And if He could’ve, why didn’t He? What made me not worth saving? What made me not worth the effort?

Purity Culture

Then as I grew up in problematic purity culture. I was told that if I had sex then I was useless and unwanted. God was angry at me and I was disgusting. If I had sex that meant I was going to hell.

I remember sitting in the pews listening to this message, knowing what happened to me when I was younger (not even fully understanding that it was bad), I believed that I was already broken, dirty and disgusting. I believed that I was already going to go to hell and I was gross and unwanted. No one wanted me. No one would ever love me. So what was the point in trying so hard if I was already doomed to hell?

This mindset lead me into several abusive relationships, one of which I’m lucky to have made it out alive from. And every time this happened, I asked God why? I never doubted His existence but man did I hate Him. God where WERE you? Where were you when these things were happening? Where were you when I had to hide the tears? Where were you when I was apologizing for things that weren’t my fault? Where were you?

God Doesn’t Force Us

Unfortunately, the answer I have isn’t all that great if I’m being honest. I won’t pretend that I fully understand or like that this is the answer. But in short, it’s free will.

God will never force us to do anything. Satan runs the world and we live in it. With all it’s brokenness and misery and pain.

God didn’t preordain these things to happen. People made choices and then they acted on them. Whether we agree with it or not, in all of God’s righteousness He allows people to act on their choices.

If God forced anyone to do anything, we wouldn’t have needed Jesus. We would all be falling at His feet because He told us to, not because we genuinely wanted to.

Jesus Was Right There

But what I can say looking back is that Jesus was right there the whole time. Every time something happened, Jesus was grieving right next to me. My pain was His pain. When I had to hide the pain and the tears, Jesus’s flowed freely. When I had to go home and pretend to be ok, Jesus walked next to me grieving and feeling the weight of it all.

Where was He? He was right there next to you.

If you’ve ever whispered “God, where were You?”—you’re not alone.

My Free Prayer Journal is a place to pour out your heart, reflect through Scripture, and meet God in the middle of the questions—not after you’ve cleaned them up.

Download it here and let Him meet you right where it hurts.