I don’t know how to “mom.”

Don’t get me wrong – I know how to take care of my son. I’ve been taking care of kids since I was 8 years old. I’ve studied child psychology and am committed to raising my son to know and love the Lord, to love studying Scripture. I know how to survive the best that I can. But to actually mom? To actually do momming? That’s the part I struggle with.

While I’ve always been incredibly smart and empathetic, I don’t do well with emotional intelligence when it comes to myself and connecting with others. Once I found out that I was autistic, it made a lot of sense. I’ve grown up with people who have had special needs. When I even had a suspicion that my son was autistic I poured myself into as much education as possible. So once my therapist what I thought about that diagnosis, it was as if I smacked in the face with a rushing wind, surrounded by moments of my past suddenly turning from black and white to bright color. My life made so much more sense.

I wasn’t ‘fixed.’

And while this has helped me so much with understanding myself and giving myself grace in the areas I struggle, it hasn’t fixed this part of motherhood. I’ve been a single mom since my son was 18 months old. He’s 11 now. I love my son more than life itself and if anyone even looks at him sideways I will stand and handle it. But connecting with him? Taking the logic that I know about his autism and using it to bridge the gap between that and my autism? Honestly, I suck at it. I really, really suck at motherhood.

Now before you get angry at me for talking down to myself, hear me out. I know that considering everything I’ve gone through, I’m a good mom. I know that I can take care of him. I know that I can pull us through anything as long as I trust God. But there are some things that happen and I feel so out of control. It’s as if I’m watching myself behind a screen, screaming at myself to stop but I don’t listen. Whether it’s yelling or disconnecting or getting angry at him for the dumbest stuff – it breaks my heart.

It shatters me.

It’s awful and I hate it. With that being said, the reality is that I’ve been living in survival mode since before my son was born. For dang near 25 years, I’ve simply been trying to survive. Surviving and truly living are two different things and I am so dang ready to actually live. So I started praying about it – I begged that God would get me out of survival mode, to let me lean on Him instead of doing things by myself. The answer didn’t come in a super cute little package or a sudden sprinkling of fairy dust where I was suddenly patient and my autistic and CPTSD traits were gone and I was happy all the time. In fact, it got worse.

And this is why I struggle so much to give this to God. All the while I was begging for Him to change things, I was also angry at Him for putting me in this position to begin with. I mean, come on. You’re going to put me through an INSANE year where I suddenly have to figure out how to communicate because you dropped a man in a lap. You’re going to tell me to me marry him. You’re going to create a bond between this man and my son. You’re going to highlight all of the ways that he’s an answer to prayer, showing me that I am truly capable of loving someone romantically… only for him to live in another freaking country.

I was so mad.

Yea, I was angry. But I didn’t take my own advice on taking that anger to God. Instead I was angry at myself for even being angry because obviously God knows better than I do and to be angry is stupid. Of course I knew on some level that the real stupidity is to think that God doesn’t already know I’m angry at Him, but the enemy is good at what he does. It took me awhile to realize this and when I did, I felt the Lord smile on me, proud of me for taking all of my anger to Him. All the tears, all the snot, all the inappropriate words that I try really hard not to say anymore, all of it. But what He said next punched me in the face:

It’s time to be a mom first.

What? I’m sorry, Lord, I don’t think I heard you right. What? Be a mom? Uhm, just in case you may have missed something, but I can’t be a mom first. You’ve only given me 24 hours in a day and in those 24 hours I’m supposed to do homework (I’m in school getting degrees in biblical studies), cook, feed and bathe my kid, keep the house clean AND create content?! You told me to start the podcast and the blog and the Instagram and the YouTube. Don’t you remember that?!

Yes, but being a mom to your son comes first.

I scoffed.

I rolled my eyes. Dude – the audacity. I really heard the Lord speak to me and I rolled my eyes at HIM. If I took an ounce of that audacity and applied it to the rest of my life I may actually be able to get everything done. But I didn’t. Instead I ignored Him for months while acting like I was being obedient.

I reworked my schedule and planned every minute. I prioritized my son’s activities and did my best to cook him good food. I talked at length with my husband about finances and how I needed to focus on motherhood which meant I needed to stop trying to make money. I did all the things…

or so I thought.

Just two days ago I realized that I wasn’t doing all the things. I’ve been playing this confused little kid, acting like God called me to do too many things and therefore I couldn’t be obedient. But what I was doing is prioritizing a secondary calling over the first.

Yes He told me to start this blog. Yes he told me to go to school. Yes he told me to have the podcast, YouTube channel and Instagram. Yes He told me to start other projects.

But those all came second to the calling that should be first priority: motherhood.

It’s terrifying.

It breaks my heart to admit how badly I’ve been avoiding it. But unfortunately, it’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.

I was the honor student, the one that was good at everything she did. Was it because every single thing I touched I became an expert at? No. It’s because if I wasn’t good at it right away, I didn’t keep trying. I just let it go. My entire identity was wrapped around being smart, a fast learner, being quick to answer tough questions. I’m hardly ever wrong. Why? Because if I don’t know with 100% certainty that I’m right, I don’t open my mouth.

Sadly, this is where motherhood fell.

My son is a sensory seeker. I’m a sensory avoider.
He needs so much to feel at peace. I’m overwhelmed by the slightest bit of chaos.
He’s an extrovert that needs to be around people. I’m an introvert that would be happy to live on a mountain and never speak to anyone again.

So to mother this beautiful boy that has the light of the whole world in him feels like such a daunting task. And it is a task that I have failed at over and over again.

But I’m realizing that it’s time to learn.

It’s time to be willing to fail.

The Lord took away the need for me to make an income (that’s the responsibility of my husband now).
The Lord took away the ability for me to avoid what needs to be done (my son’s needs are greater than ever).
The Lord took away time that I was wasting in other places (trying to sit down to work has been a nightmare).

You are to be a mother first.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t love those words. I don’t fully understand what they mean.

But for the first time in my life, I think I’m finally going to figure it out. As I write, however, I realize that I don’t have to figure it out. In fact I shouldn’t even try to figure it out because that’s not my job – that’s God’s job. Instead of poking my nose into the Lord’s business I need to stay focused on what’s right in front of me.

It’s time for me to unravel my poorly defined identity and let the Lord repair what we find. It’s time for me to learn how to be a good mother, how to steward motherhood well.

It means change.

It’s going to mean less content creation, less editing, less strategizing, less scrolling. It’s going to mean feeling lost and frustrated. It’s going to mean facing the thing that I have been afraid of my whole life: myself.

It’s also going to mean smoother days. It’s going to mean days full of baking and hockey. It’s going to mean painting and crafting and listening to so many facts about so many creepy bugs (seriously what is God ON that He made so many weird freaking bugs?!). It’s going to mean learning the truth of God’s plan for me.

I’m excited. I’m terrified. I have no idea what the heck I’m doing. But that’s right where He wants me. So here goes nothing. I’m taking the leap and trusting God to catch me. I can’t wait to see where I land.

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