“She’s a stay at home mom,” my son said with so much pride and admiration.
But I stood frozen. It was only for a second but it felt like a year. I had to go to urgent care because of an infection in my finger and the woman at the desk asked if I work. I fumbled over my words before forcing out “uhh, no. No.” That’s when Axel, my son, said that I was a stay at home mom.
The woman smiled at his words while typing on her computer. I tried to hold it together but it felt like I was spiraling. Stay at home mom? That’s not me – that’s never been me. That’s not what I am… right?
I had to force myself to stay present before the nurse took us back into a room. While I am now physically ok I haven’t recovered from that moment.
Stay at Home Moms
Let me pause really quick: I respect stay at home moms. I have always admired stay at home moms. If anyone wants to talk trash about stay at home moms, running their mouth about how “they don’t do anything” I will fix that REALLY quick. The problem isn’t with stay at home moms. The problem was that I was having an identity crisis.
I started my first blog when I was 12 or 13. The term “content creator” didn’t exist then but I was committed to becoming it. I googled my way through growing on Tumblr and other sites before eventually starting a WordPress blog. Then I wanted to sell hand-sewn goods. I made headbands and accessories. I continued this well into single motherhood, convinced that it would change my life (to be fair, it did. It also would have gone much further if I wouldn’t have quit the moment things got hard but that’s basically the message of this post and the unfortunate story of my life). Then I started an Etsy shop selling steampunk-inspired jewelry. I started YouTube channels and podcasts. I worked full time in the customer service call center of an action-sports brand. When I realized I needed to be with my son more, I drove for GrubHub 60+ hours a week, bringing my son with me as I did it.
Short story long, I have always had work to do. I have always been trying to build something, to make more money, to provide, to get us out of the financial hole that we were in. I’ve never identified with stay at home moms. Work at home mom, sure. But stay at home mom? That felt… foreign. Like a sweater that was just a bit too small and man it was itchy.
Let it go
This has sat with me for over a week. I tried to let it go. I mean it was four dang words. Literal words. I shouldn’t care this much. Not only that, they were words that described my current situation so it shouldn’t bother me at all. But despite the constant gaslighting of myself, they did. Those words seemed to tear through the fabric of who I was and I couldn’t figure out why.
Then yesterday, as I was listening to Organizing for the Rest of Us by Dana K. White (HIGHLY recommend all of her books, podcast and blog), it hit me: I was avoiding it because I wasn’t instantly good at it.
Motherhood was a skill, more so a hundred skills, that I wasn’t instantly good at so I avoided it. I couldn’t quit like I had quit other things – there was a living, breathing human that needed me. Our life was in shambles and I couldn’t just drop everything. So what did I do? I avoided it, I compensated. All of my energy went into what I did know how to do. I knew how to work, how to advocate for him, how to get us where we needed to go. But nurturing, taking care of a home, providing for the emotional needs? Yea, I sucked at that. But if I just ignored it, if I just compensated for it by doing all of these other things, that means that it would make up for it, right?
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This is the exact one I use!
It’s deep, solid, and totally worth it.
Stop Compensating
While I’m realizing now that that is, in fact, not the case, that was my plan. And clearly, it sucked.
So I put the plan into God’s hands and to be honest, I’m not happy about it. It requires learning all of the skills that I’ve been avoiding for over 11 years. Learning how to take care of a home, how to be the nurturing, emotional comfort that my son needs. It means learning how to make space for my husband to do what he needs to do. Learning how to regulate my own out-of-whack emotions so I can model it for, and eventually teach it to, my son. It means learning all of the little things to make the house flow easier.
The most annoying part? It’s been less than a week and I’m already seeing improvement. My son is in a far better mood than he has been in a long time. We’re not tripping over massive amounts of crap all over the house. We’re not having to wash plates as we need them. My husband and I are communicating better. My son is far more regulated. I still have a long way to go and this house could definitely do with a good scrub (my husband has offered to do the mopping. I love that man.) But I can see progress. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see why God designed us the way that He did.
God’s Got This
Will I ever fully embrace the idea of being a stay at home mom? I’m not sure. I still have big dreams and aspirations outside of motherhood. I want to grow this blog, write a book, build my Instagram account and get a YouTube play button. And I will do those things so, I just don’t know. But really my identity needs to be completely removed from what I do anyway and be in the Lord but that’s a blog post for another day.
I don’t know what life looks like beyond this week. What I do know is that God has called me to grow the blog and the podcast. I know that He has called me to create content on Instagram. But I know that the thing He has called me to first and foremost is motherhood. So not only do I need to be obedient to that calling, but my son needs me to, my husband needs me to. Axel needs a mom that is present, that knows how to set the temperature of a home. My husband is new to parenting and I’m the example that he gets to see. My family needs me to be a good mom. It isn’t easy and I don’t know what I’m doing, to be honest. But I’ve got this because God’s got this. Even when I’m angry and frustrated that I have to do yet another load of laundry before I can sit down and work on this blog, God’s got this. He’s got me.
And in case you need to hear it, He’s got you, too💙.
If your prayer life feels distracted or dry, Fervent by Priscilla Shirer is a must-read. It’s not fluffy – it’s a straight-up battle plan for getting strategic and intentional in prayer. Practical, powerful, and rooted in Scripture. Highly recommend. Grab it here.
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