I relate so much to the woman at the well, the woman that had made many mistakes, defensive and had her walls up, ready to fight for herself and her people.
But Jesus, He was unphased by it all.
I could write a whole book (and probably will at some point) on this incredible display of Jesus’s love, kindness and desire to put her soul before any personal desires that He had. I’ve already gone into how her testimony changed the lives of many people, I’ve talked about how it reflects how we need to speak like Jesus.
Today we’re talking about resolving conflict.
Oof. The Lord hit me HARD with this one. When I tell you that I’m petty, I mean it. I’m even doing an entire podcast episode on how God is helping me work through it. But the way that He had every right to snap back at her, to be short with her, to tell her to get it together, but He didn’t calls me RIGHT out.
If you don’t know the full context of this story, be sure to read this post about her testimony and then read John 4:1-45. It won’t take long and is absolutely worth the effort.
Before diving into the story, I want to reiterate something important:
Jesus cared about and valued her soul above all.
In His sovereignty He knew how she would respond and that she would be defensive. He didn’t care about being right and winning an argument, He cared about her soul and it’s eternity.
When going into conflict, we need to understand that it’s not us vs. them. It’s us vs. the problem. Even if the solution is to agree to disagree at the end of it all, you can’t be in it just to be right. You have to put them above your desire to win the argument.
Understand the Person
You also need to have an understanding of the person that you’re talking to. Of course Jesus had an advantage being God and human, meaning that He did know her past and how to approach her. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have the responsibility of taking time to understand a person before we go at them.
This doesn’t mean that you have to do a full Google breakdown and need all of their childhood history. But it does mean that you need to step outside of yourself enough to have empathy, to understand that they’re going through their own stuff, that they’re struggling with things that you know nothing about. It’s about accepting that they’re human and that Jesus died for them, too.
I know. Trust me, I know.
I know that this can be so incredibly difficult. It’s hard to accept this fact at times. Although we know that Jesus died for everyone, we have to remember that He also specifically died for them. Jesus knew they were worth dying for and they deserve the same grace that you do.
This is exactly what we see Jesus do with the Samaritan woman.
I really wish that there was some equivalent to Biblical emojis that helped us understand tone. Even something as simple as, “before responding, she raised an eyebrow, took a moment to think and then said…”
Context Matters
Without that context, it’s hard to say for sure how something was said. Given the context we do have, however, I belief it’s safe to say that this woman was probably a little spicy.
She had several sexual partners over the years which caused her to be an outcast. She was used to people judging her. When it came to gathering water, it was usually a social time for women done at a different time of day. This woman came alone, possibly to avoid being seen by anyone and to avoid judgement from them.
If she had several sexual partners, it’s also safe to say that she was desperate for love. I don’t know what her background was or what she had gone through. But chances are somewhere down the line she was let down, probably by a man. She sought these relationships to fill that void and to either somehow earn love or to avoid having to develop real intimacy.
I get it
Going through my own experience and talking to many, many women who have had the same, this is what we went through. It feels like a universal experience and because of that, this is the lens through which I look at her.
Someone who has that type of void, who has gotten sucked into this cycle, they’ve built walls and they know how to keep people at a distance.
I sure did.
In verse 9, in response to Jesus asking for a drink, she answers, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?”
She didn’t say yes or no, she went right for the “what the heck are you even doing talking to me?” Jesus could’ve been snarky in His response. He could have said, “please just give me the water” but He didn’t. He went right for what she needed to hear most, talking about the living water.
Dude, when I tell you this is SO hard for me I absolutely mean it. I struggle with this. I take things so personally and will absolutely snap at someone for giving me the least bit of attitude. It’s a legitimate problem.
Jesus ONLY Did God’s Will
Jesus not only does God’s will but did nothing but God’s will, which means He stayed cool, calm and collected the whole time. We know that Jesus had some sass but he wasn’t disrespectful or cruel. If He cocked an eyebrow it was done with a smile. If He shared something, it was done in a kind tone.
In verse 11, she says “You have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water?”
Oh man I just imagine her waving her arm out, basically saying “dude you just asked me to get you some water. How do you expect to get any water let alone this living water nonsense.”
But she doesn’t stop there. In verse 12, she’s like “are you greater than Jacob? He gave us this well.”
How did Jesus React?
It’s in this moment that Jesus could’ve been like, “actually, I am greater than Jacob. My Father, the Creator of this entire world and everything in it, created Jacob who made the well. Sooooooo,” but once again, He didn’t.
He didn’t even respectfully tell her that He was greater. He skipped the religious argument altogether because His focus was her soul, not winning the argument and proving Himself to be this big, great, mighty person. He didn’t even speak to her comment about how He would get the water with no tools.
All Jesus said in verses 13-14 was, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
If Jesus didn’t feel the need to defend Himself, then why do we?
Y’all, oh man. When I’m in a heated discussion (let’s be real here – pure argument) with someone about the Word or Jesus, I feel this sudden urge to prove who He is and then defend Him. But through defending Him, I get frustrated and upset, acting outside of the way that Jesus would.
But not only do we not need to defend Jesus, we don’t need to defend ourselves. I’m not talking physically, of course, but when people come at us sideways, being unkind or straight up disrespectful, we don’t need to defend ourselves. God can do that for us.
Jesus Knew
Jesus knew that she would reach a point where she knew who He was so He didn’t bother trying to convince her, He let His actions and His words do the convincing on their own. He stayed calm and communicative, getting out the information that she actually needed to hear.
Throughout this entire passage, we see how Jesus handles this woman’s retorts and comebacks. He sees her responses as what they are, someone who took pride in who they were (defending the Samaritan people) and who had a lot of hurt in her past.
He also didn’t directly tell her what she needed, she had to come to that conclusion itself. Jesus didn’t force who He was on anyone. He never denied it but never forced. We aren’t to force arguments or assume it’s our job to be right. Our only job is to communicate what we believe to be right and then let God do the rest.
One thing that Jesus didn’t fight for was His pride.
He knew who He was in God. He knew what God had called Him to do and who He had made Him.
This is why it’s so important for our identity to be founded in God Himself. We are to be and act as who He made us to be.
This doesn’t mean that you need to be perfect, it means that you need to work to be better day after day.
You’re not Jesus – you’re not able to be perfect.
It’s accepting that fact and working to be 1% better each day. It means repenting when you get it wrong and asking not only God to forgive you but even the person whom you were in the interaction with.
I’m the first to say that I struggle with this. It isn’t easy, not even a little bit. I’m very short tempered and can be quite defensive if provoked. That’s not who God wants me to be. He wants me to use this fire for Him and to guide people home, not push them further away.
Shame doesn’t come from God
So if you’re reading this and feel discouraged, remind yourself that shame doesn’t come from God. If you’re feeling convicted, He’s calling you out out of pure love, He wants you to be better. Not to tear you down or because you’re not good enough but because He knows your potential.
This is all so much easier said than done. But continue to lean on and rely on the Lord to guide you. Pray before conflicts if you can. Take time today to ask Him to prepare you for any conflicts that may be coming up. Take some time to read John 4:1-45 and see what the Lord says to you, what He highlights.
You never know what He may show you.
Dear God, thank You.
Thank You for sending Your Son and for documenting His life in the Word. Thank You that we get to learn from Him. Thank You that we can relate to incredible people like the woman at the well, that we’re not alone, that this Bible isn’t old and disconnected as people say it is.
Thank you for never giving up on us. Lord I ask that you help me to approach conflict better.
I pray that You mold and shape me to be the type of person that can handle it with class and grace, using it to bring people closer to You. Thank you God for all You’re doing not only in my life but all around the world.
Thank you. Amen.
Conflict is hard but growth happens when we bring it into the light of Scripture.
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