I want you to picture something. A group of grown men, the same guys who watched Jesus heal the blind and raise the dead. They ate with Him every day for three years. Now they’re locked inside a room with the doors shut, because they were terrified someone was coming for them next.
“On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them.” (John 20:19, ESV)
That’s not a footnote in the story, that’s where they were after everything fell apart, hiding, afraid, and they weren’t the only ones feeling that way in that season.
How scared they actually were
Let’s just be honest about how scared these guys actually were, because it’s more than we usually give them credit for.
When Jesus was arrested in the garden, His closest friends didn’t stand their ground. “And they all left him and fled.” (Mark 14:50, ESV) Every single one of them ran.
Peter’s denial and the water
The same Peter who once said he’d die before he denied Jesus ended up denying Him three times in one night, to a servant girl, out of fear of what would happen if he was associated with Jesus at all. When he realized what he’d done, he went out and wept bitterly (Luke 22:54-62).
Peter also had a moment walking on water. He was amazed it was even happening, until his attention shifted to the wind for just a second and he started going under. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.'” (Matthew 14:29-31, ESV) It wasn’t the wind that took him under, it was the fear of the wind.
Thomas, and the fear we still don’t name
And then there’s Thomas, after everything, still refused to believe Jesus had risen until he could put his own hands in the wounds (John 20:24-25)
Locked rooms, fleeing, denial, sinking, doubt, all of that from guys who spent years walking with Jesus in person. If they still carried all of that, our fear isn’t some new, modern problem. Social media didn’t invent the fear of what people think of us, it just gave it a louder microphone and a faster feed. The fear itself is the same fear it’s always been.
What changed at Pentecost
So how do you go from scared and hiding to this:
“Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.” (Acts 2:36, ESV)
That’s Peter, standing in front of a crowd, telling them plainly that they crucified Jesus and that this is on them.
The same guy, a completely different courtyard
This is the same guy who couldn’t bring himself to admit he knew Jesus to a servant girl. Now he’s standing in front of the crowd that had Jesus killed. He said it to their faces, with nothing to protect him but the truth.
He didn’t soften it or find a nice way to say it, he said what needed to be said. “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off” (Acts 2:38-39, ESV). The boldness wasn’t Peter finally working up enough nerve on his own, and it wasn’t a personality change either. It was the Holy Spirit, and underneath the confrontation was a rescue. He wasn’t calling them out to shame them, he was calling them out to save them.
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Where I’m at with my own fear right now
I’m not going to pretend I’ve got this figured out or that I’m on the other side of it. I’m still in the middle of my own fear.
My fear isn’t abstract. I deal with real anxiety, I have OCD, and I ruminate on things for far longer than I should. And on top of that, I live with autoimmune disease and chronic pain that’s directly tied to my stress levels. When I let fear take over, I don’t just feel it, I get physically sick. My body is fighting something right now because of how stressed I’ve been. Giving that over to God has been a lot.
The place I keep starting and stopping
Fully committing to my businesses, ChristCore Fest, my blog, my social media, all of it. That’s what I get stuck in. I’ve felt God calling me toward this for the better part of five years, and I keep starting, then pulling back, because doing what He’s called me to means saying things people won’t like. It means people seeing me and not liking how I look, and making sure I hear about it.
What taking my eyes off Jesus looks like
For me, taking my eyes off Jesus looks like comparison and worst-case-scenario thinking.
If there was a trophy for focusing on worst-case scenarios, it would be mine. I always go there first, and it’s honestly one of the things I hate about myself. Comparison is right behind it, I think about what other people think of me instead of just doing what God’s actually called me to do.
That’s the same thing that happened to Peter. It wasn’t the wind itself that sank him, it was where his eyes went the second he noticed it.
“So we do not lose heart… For we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, ESV)
That’s what looking at Jesus actually means, keeping my eyes on what’s unseen instead of the storm in front of me. I’m still learning what that looks like in practice, but I know it’s the difference.
The small proof that something is shifting
I don’t have one big, dramatic breakthrough moment to hand you. What I do have is small, real evidence that something is actually changing.
My husband and I are going all in on ChristCore Fest instead of staying stuck in the start-and-stop cycle we’ve been in. I’m getting back to my own content and my blog, as small as that can feel some days. And I’m already seeing real, fairly immediate results just from doing what God’s called me to do. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not about what I want or what I think should happen. It’s about God, and when I actually lean into what He’s called me to, I don’t have to carry the worry the same way.
You’re not alone in this, but don’t stay stuck
If you’ve read all of this and recognized your own fear somewhere in it, I want to be clear about something. None of this is meant to make you feel less-than for being afraid. The disciples were afraid too, all of them, in more ways than we usually admit. You’re not behind, and you’re not broken for struggling here.
But we can’t let our fear keep us stuck, and that matters just as much as the first part.
He’s done this before, and He’ll do it again
The same Spirit that took Peter from a locked room to a public sermon in front of the people who killed Jesus is the same Spirit available to you and me right now. God has done this again and again and again, taking fear and turning it into boldness, and He’s going to keep doing it.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6, ESV)
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV)
He’s not asking you to finish this on your own, and He’s not finished with you either. If you want to keep reading on this, I wrote more about praying for boldness instead of safety in How to Stop Playing Small in Your Faith, which picks up right where this leaves off. And if you want somewhere to actually bring your own fear to God instead of carrying it alone, my free Prayer Journal has prompts built for exactly that. You can grab it here.
Your fear doesn’t disqualify you. I wrote more about that idea in You Are Not Your Label, if guilt or shame is part of what’s tangled up in your fear too. Your fear just means you’re exactly the kind of person God has always used.
