I’m struggling.

I really, really hate to admit it, but I’m struggling. This is such a hard season of life and I’m not sure how to navigate it. What’s crazy about it is that it’s all an answer to prayer. My husband and I have grown closer, God is leading our life so clearly and we’re finally getting A, our son, the support that he needs.

But God leading your life clearly doesn’t make it easy – not at all.

We asked for the ability to trust God with our finances, to believe the promises that He’s made to us. God said that He had it, that all of our needs and even some of our wants would be taken care of, all we had to do was trust Him.

Then God told us, my husband and I, to start a music festival. Not just host it, but actually start a music festival. “Ok,” I thought. “That’s not going to be too hard. A few hundred people, a few bands, awesome.”

Then God laughed.

We’re now planning a music festival for April of 2027 (Christian metal fans – check out Christcore Fest – it’s going to be AMAZING) with an expectation of having around 2000 attendees plus at least 100 volunteers and department heads. Sure, John has been in the music industry for over 20 years. Sure, I’m a former social media manager and marketer, I know how to build an audience. But have either of us even attempted something this big before? Nope. Have either of us ever raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in order to make something like this happen? Nope. Does God care about those things? Nope.

Overwhelmed but Trusting God Anyway

Now back to that whole “trusting God” concept I talked about earlier. I’m not going to get into details but things aren’t great right now financially. We are required to trust God on a day-by-day basis to ensure that we have what we need. Now don’t get me wrong, God has shown up I’m pretty sure daily for the last month with the exact amount of money that we need to do what we needed to do that day. I don’t want to discount that at all because I am so eternally grateful for all that He is doing in our lives.

With that being said… I’m tired. Waiting until the last possible minute… really, Lord? Is it really necessary to seriously wait until the final moment? I swear I felt the Holy Spirit giggle. Of course it’s necessary to wait until the last dang minute. And you know what? He’s going to do the same with Christcore Fest, too. I just know that this festival is going to be insane and everything will be covered but it will all come at the last possible second. You know how nerve-wracking that is when you’ve got about a hundred million little parts to keep an eye on and you have to pay for each of those hundred million little things?! It’s REALLY nerve-wracking and I hate it.

Trusting God With What We Don’t Have Yet

On another note, God has really blessed us with the services that we’ve been able to get A. Recently he was diagnosed with level 2 Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I don’t love the level criteria, but basically it says that A needs more support than level 1 but not as much as level 3. He was diagnosed with level 1 a few years back but rediagnosed with level 2 at the end of 2025. This has opened up so many more opportunities that insurance will cover. It’s covered supplies, services and these services will even supply some of the physical things that he needs.

I’m also so incredibly overwhelmed. He’s going to be starting in-home therapy sessions for fourty hours a week. Yup, four zero. 40. I’m so excited for him and, I’m not going to lie, myself. My husband will be going back to the UK soon (he’s a UK citizen and we will be starting on his visa shortly but until then he can only stay a couple of months at a time) which means I won’t have as much support. The in-home therapy will not only be an extra set of hands but also support for Axel that he needs. It also means that someone, a stranger, will be in my house.

Trusting God with the Unknown

The idea of this person being in my house is so intimidating. I’m seeing things so much differently now – all of the things that I didn’t think were that big of a deal before are now glaringly obvious. This someone will also be in my car, going with us to hockey practice, lacrosse, workouts and other therapies. This means that I have to get and keep my car clean (shout out to my incredible husband for doing this for me today.

Speaking of therapies, we also recently started counseling and are also going to be getting physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy. Are there any other therapies he could possibly even get at this point?!

Autism, Therapy, and Being Stretched Thin

I love my son and I always want to do what’s best for him, especially now that God is pulling us out of survival mode and actually functioning (well, sort of). I’m so honored that we’re in the position to get him all of these therapies, to take him to hockey and lacrosse, to have such a full schedule of so many good things. And it’s really freaking hard.

Plus I’m in school full time finishing my bachelor’s and starting my master’s in Biblical Studies. God said so I’m doing it. I’m in my final term for my bachelor’s and I haven’t struggled this much since I started. Getting things in is such an effort right now – getting them on time is a different matter. All of my assignments are late and over-acheiver, honor-student, deans-list-email-every-term Karleigh is struggling with that. 

Most of his therapies, as well as sports, are about an hour away from us currently. So we’re driving an hour to the nearby big city 6-7 days a week. I am tired. Most of my time is spent driving my son from one thing to another. When I am home I need to take care of the domestic duties, which I’ve also been sucky at lately. Thank God my husband steps in when needed or this house would be an even worse wreck then it already is.

When Obedience Feels Like Too Much

I’ve been talking so much about stewardship lately and I’m even building out The STWRD Collective. This has been on my mind for awhile because I know exactly how I want to do it but I haven’t had the chance to. Then I heard God’s still, small voice ask “does it need to be perfect or do you need to be obedient?” That about took me out. I didn’t even realize just how much I’ve been disobedient.

The Thing That Still Has to Die

It’s now been a few days since I wrote the first part of this and while I still am absolutely cry-myself-to-sleep overwhelmed, it is also becoming so clear what needs to be done. The next thing that needs to die is my ego, the one thing that I haven’t truly surrendered to God. I’m not sure what that looks like yet, but I know it’s the thing that is keeping me from a true, radically obedient life. And Lord, I’m ready.